Shining for Me

My life has always been about others. What do they think? What do they want? How will what I do affect them? Will they get it? How can I save them? There really wasn’t much of me in the picture.

While on vacation this past week, I got to see a lot of different behavioral styles in action. There was one in particular that really got under my skin and disrupted my enjoyment for a bit. I actually had to make myself pause and reflect on the lesson so that I could enjoy the rest of that moment. (Those moments that really evoke quick, deep, negative feelings are often lessons of some sort.)

In this situation there were a few people who did whatever they wanted, regardless of the instructions and rules from the tour guide and the effect on those around them. Who had the best time? They did. Does this mean we should all adopt this method? I really have no idea. The law of attraction says the world would be better, but our ingraining of order and structure tells us the world would be chaos. What the experience has done is shown me how I police my actions and desires. I often won’t do or be certain ways if I believe it will disturb those around me. I’ll keep my mouth shut if others are trying to hear a story about an artifact. If someone is taking a picture, I try to stay out of the way or move to the side. Yes, this situation involved cameras and artifacts.

We were on an excursion viewing wildlife and gardens. One particular area had monkeys wandering around. We were told to stay 5 feet back, but the people I’m referring to got right up against the fence in the monkeys faces. Some of the monkeys were getting a little agitated. Our guide asked them to step back, but they just kept doing what they wanted. I tried to ignore it, but I could sense the energy of the monkeys. I also wanted to have my own time with the monkeys. I went to one side to try to have some space with them. I got a few pictures and the next thing I know, multiple people started showing up and butted in. Even while people had monkeys on their shoulders getting pictures taken, others got right in the monkeys faces and the faces of people they did not know. Can you imagine having a monkey on your shoulder and a stranger poking at it? (Cultural differences were playing a role here as well.)

There was one moment I decided to do what I wanted. I was getting tired of having a great shot only to have someone with a camera stand right in front of me just as I was about to take the picture. Did they really not see me holding my camera? I was going to take the shot from then on. I wanted to make sure I got the shots I wanted no matter what. And I did. If I saw a shot, I walked right in front of them to take it. I was not going to miss it. They could figure it out.

It really was a freeing experience. No longer did I care about the experience of those around me. I only cared that I had a good time. All of this time I had been silencing me and my desires. I realized that as I was so concerned about the experience of others and policed myself around them, I was silencing my own Spirit. This led me to see the parallels with my work as well. I had been so focused on those I am to serve, what they need and will be attracted to, what they would view as valuable, that I’d neglected me.

It’s time for me to focus on my light and how I am shining. I’ll put it out there and the others will figure it out–how they will respond and if it aligns with them. My success is determined by the value to others. But allowing others to have more weight than my own experience harms me and dims my own light. If my light is dimmer, that’s not as much benefit to them, nor is it very attractive.

I’m going to try it this way at least. If it doesn’t work, I’ll go back to focusing on others first. I do know my energy is flowing more freely, so for now, this is right.