A Journey….Yes

I’m shifting into deeper understanding, questioning my relationships, healing my low self-worth/value and letting go of labels and judgments one at a time. We’ve had Mercury retrograde, eclipses and are awaiting Super Moon eclipse this weekend. I can see the purging and shedding of all that no longer serves me.

As I focus on healing wounds on deeper and deeper levels, I see how much I have denied myself. I see my continual patterns that kept feeding my “not good enough” belief. Is it any wonder that still plays out?

I got jarred with my value when I was denied 3 times for a loan, seeking to consolidate my debt and lower my payments. I could easily make the loan payments but my income wasn’t the 50% of the loan amount I was seeking. It hit me how little I was making. Ridiculous given the contributions I know I can make. Realizing what I’ve allowed myself to buy and how I’ve denied myself even the simplest indulgence because of money.

I wanted grass fed beef. I didn’t see it on the shelves so I spoke to the butcher. How exciting it was to tell him exactly what I wanted and get it wrapped in meat paper. Like a delicacy. I want this feeling all the time. I want to choose and create what I want and like and not deny myself. Too much I’ve yielded to others and put myself on the back burner. Why? Why choose less than when I can have awesome all the time? Why take what I can get when I have options to get what I want?

As I start focusing more on my desires and my value, I see the quality of my desires rising. My clothing and fabrics of higher quality – even from particular sources. The love I receive and interactions I have – I want to be treated with respect. My focus is shifting more to the journey and the experience.

I want flipping excited. I want awesome. I want to be loved, appreciated and respected. I want to be living wholeheartedly and igniting Souls all over.

I no longer accept being ignored, rejected, not respected. I no longer accept less than.

It’s hard not to get pissed off and angry. I honor my feelings and allow myself to feel them. I’m aware when I’m reacting and respect the healing of my wounds. But I don’t want to stay there. I don’t want to focus on what’s “wrong”. I’m shifting focus to the experience. Experience includes all of it. The “good” and the “bad”.

That’s the beauty of the journey. The ups and downs. The twists and turns. Not knowing where the path will lead.  It’s about the experience along the way.